My Idiot Boyfriend
by gossamer - glass
Summary: <html><head></head>There's the Nice Boyfriend, and then there's My Idiot Boyfriend. The tsunderes of Hetalia rant about their boyfriends. T for cursing and sexual implications. You can request any pairing for me to write, and I will.</html>
1. SpainRomano

Heyhey, peeps! *waves* Gossa speaking here!~ Welcome to My Idiot Boyfriend!

So this is basically a cross between the copy-paste "Friends bail you out of jail, Best Friends are next to you laughing" and FML. Because several (cough*almost all*cough) of these are very FML-esque. It's basically a tsundere FML thingy, only I didn't do it in web format because I don't know how too.

It's semi-AU in the sense that there is very little allusion to the fact that they are personified nations. But since I don't very much like them as humans (you lose so much from their characters that way), I don't write it with the intention of it being an AU.

You can request a pairing if you want, but the narrarator of it is chosen by _moi_. Also, if I am a little unsure with the pairing, there will probably only be about ten.

Oh, and all of these are gonna end with marrige. 'Cause I'm a yaoi fangirl that way.

This is Spain/Romano, Romano ranting. Aww, Romano, you're so, so, so, so, cute!~ *shot by Italian mafia*

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to a classy Italian place and pays for it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend cooked some of his (fucking delicious but) SPANISH paella with stuff that my little brother bought fresh yesterday. And then he tried to make out with me and got tomato sauce all over my suit that I put on when he said that he had a romantic dinner planned.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you to the park and holds your hand as he walks with you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got us pushed into the fountain by his two idiot friends, and then proceeded to make out with me. In public. Near a church. While we were still in the damn fountain.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend agrees with you when you get into a fight.<p>

My idiot boyfriend told me that it wasn't my brother's fault that he was having sex on the sofa with his idiot boyfriend when I walked in.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't tease you about how you look.<p>

My idiot boyfriend called me a fruit (a tomato, to be specific), called me beautiful (Do I look like a fucking GIRL?), and played with my hair. Especially the, ah, "sensitive" part of it.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend understands when you put effort into something.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thought that the picture of us was my attempt at telling him how his government works.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend sets aside quality time.<p>

My idiot boyfriend invites me to come out drinking with his friends. One is a pervert and the other is the brother of my brother's boyfriend (POTATO FUCKERS!). The next thing you know he'll be asking them to share the bed.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is there for you when you are sick.<p>

My idiot boyfriend still hasn't gotten past his "kiss it better" stage.

… well, he made some tomato soup too, but only because I kicked him into the kitchen. Freaking oblivious bastard, dammit …

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is there for you when you get in trouble.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was sitting in jail next to me, drunk out of his mind. Hell, he was the reason I was there in the first place!

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend tolerates your strange food choices.<p>

My idiot boyfriend asked me why I wasn't a tomato yet. Jeez, does he have some sort of tomato kink?

(… h-huh … I wouldn't mind – I mean he better not.)

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gets you something nice for your birthday, and he finds out what you want by asking your idiot brother.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got me a jar of tomato sauce. When I asked him how I was going to use _another _can of tomato sauce, he jumped me and started smearing it all over my chest and face. No prizes for guessing how he wanted to get it off.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your religious beliefs.<p>

My idiot boyfriend made out with me in the confession booth, and it would have been more if the priest didn't walk in on us.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your privacy.<p>

My idiot boyfriend seems to think that it is perfectly fine to take pictures of us … doing stuff … and sell them to one of his friend's girlfriends.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend knows that you have mood swings, and he deals with that.<p>

My idiot boyfriend needed me to go mafia on him to prove that, yes bitch, I am badass.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend won't take advantage of you when your guard is down.<p>

My idiot boyfriend tried to molest me while I was taking a siesta.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend remembers all the little details about you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thinks that my younger brother and I are twins.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend slipped the ring on when we were kissing.

…

It's a nice ring. Even though it has a tomato on it.


	2. RussiaChina

Russia/China. You get to guess the narrator.

My current One True Pairing. Because DAMN, THEY'RE CUTE TOGETHER.

Also, I'd like to make one point clear. Just because I'm writing Russia/China for this chapter, doesn't mean that I won't write Russia/Lithuania for a request. And maybe I'll write some Russia/Belarus, just for kicks.

So what I'm saying is: I am a ship!whoar and will write anything. (T rated, that is) So don't be shy with the requests, da?

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend understands that you don't like to cuddle in public.<p>

My idiot boyfriend tied me up with my own sleeves, aru! And then he carried me bridal style all the way to the meeting, aru.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend won't let you get drunk because he knows that you have a low tolerance for alcohol.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was the one pouring the drinks, aru. And then he videotaped what happened.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gets you out of embarrassing situations.<p>

My idiot boyfriend decides that it's perfectly fine to talk about our sex life in front of everybody, aru. "Everybody" includes my little brothers and sister.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend asks his family to look semi-decent.<p>

My idiot boyfriend's sister tried to kill me, because apparently she wants to marry him. What the hell, aru.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you give your younger siblings the Talk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend offered to "demonstrate". He had a box with him, aru. Needless to say, he was banished to the couch for a month.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes being banished to the couch like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend waited until I was asleep and then carried me down to the couch with him, aru.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend dresses appropriately.<p>

My idiot boyfriend wears a trench coat and fifty different layers. Even in the summer, aru.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend pays when he takes you out.<p>

My idiot boyfriend called my equally idiotic friend and threatened him into paying for the meal.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is caring after a long day and lets you cuddle with him.<p>

My idiot boyfriend had decided to beat up my equally idiotic friend with his pipe that day, aru.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't tease you about your super-secret love for fluffy things, like cats.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got a cat outfit for me, aru. And it wasn't even a nice, innocent type of cat outfit.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend gave a death threat to my (gropist) younger brother, aru. The death threat included references to claiming breasts. I'm male, aru.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes in a romantic way.<p>

My idiot boyfriend made a panda hand-doll and had it propose to a Hello Kitty hand-doll that he got me to wear. The panda hand-doll was holding the ring in its mouth.

…

It was cute, aru.


	3. LithuaniaPoland

Lithuania/Poland. One of the funnier ships of Hetalia, because really, it's practically het.

Up next will be America/England.

The "oh my gosh like totally" is a reference to h t t p : / / w w w . y o u t u b e . c o m / w a t c h ? v = q 7 I H z r g c 5 4 s (remove the spaces). And yes, it does sum up Poland's vocabulary quite nicely.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend pays attention to you when you're ranting.<p>

My idiot boyfriend wasn't listening to me when I was trying to stop him from getting beaten up by my boss.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend thinks of ways to get through the tough times.<p>

My idiot boyfriend told me that all I needed was some more pink clothing and a few skirts.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't make you do stuff that makes you uncomfortable.<p>

My idiot boyfriend forced me into a skirt. And then he jumped me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend pays for dinner when he takes you out.<p>

My idiot boyfriend ordered two dinners and a huge desert, and then casually informed me that since his economy was in the toilet, I would be paying for dinner.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend cuddles with you after a long day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was passed out on the couch, watching a chick flick.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments your clothes.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that everything that I was wearing "wasn't, like, pink enough".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend lets you sleep in on the weekends.<p>

My idiot boyfriend woke me up by jumping on our bed and screaming the lyrics to "Hollaback Girl" in my face. At least it wasn't "Baby" like it was last week …

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend teaches you some of his language when you ask.<p>

My idiot boyfriend's vocabulary consists of "I said he said she said you said oh my gosh like totally!" He tried to get me to say that in Polish, and was banished to the couch.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes the couch punishment like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend kicked _me _out of our bed ("If you don't, like, want to sleep with me then, like, you can take the couch!"), waited a little while, and then had sofa sex with me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend talks you through your problems.<p>

My idiot boyfriend believes in "stress shopping" and "pony therapy".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't get <em>too <em>drunk whenever he goes out to a bar with you.

My idiot boyfriend started stripping, tried to get in a fight with five other guys, and hit on the bartender. When I was carrying him back to my house, he started groping me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend says yes when you propose.<p>

My idiot boyfriend laughed at me when I was stuttering, poked my blushing face, and fainted when I pulled the ring out. When he woke up, he started freaking out about getting dresses for the both of us, if my ex-boss would crash the party, and what color he was supposed to paint his nails.


	4. AmericaEngland

England/America. If you guess wrong on the narrator, French mimes shall shun you. As will llamas.

Uhm, fast explanation here. For one of them, I put England's "family". I'm reffering to Northern Ireland and Scotland, not France and Canada. Also, the whole "didn't know that they exist" is because most Americans (minus Hetalia fans) think that the UK is only England, when it is in fact the United Kingdom of Great Britian and Northern Ireland.

So, enjoy, all you people out there! Up next will probably be France/England or Belarus/Russia.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to a classy Italian place.<p>

My idiot boyfriend took me over to McDonalds. When I told him that he must be fucking insane, he suggested that we go to a French place across the street.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend pays for dinner when he takes you out.<p>

My idiot boyfriend called his friend up so he could borrow money to pay for our date. He was broke because he spent all of his money on buying a huge lunch.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't make fun of your friends.<p>

My idiot boyfriend called my friends imaginary, called me crazy, and then proceeded to have a conversation with the air in a horrible fake British accent.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend eats when you cook for him, even though it's a little burnt.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that McDonalds, the home of the world's greasiest, heart-attack-causing food, was better than my food.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments your hair when you take the time to make it look nice.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that he couldn't see my face because my eyebrows were too big, which got him put on the couch.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes the couch punishment like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend came screaming back into our room because he thought he saw a ghost.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend backs you up (or at least shows you support) when you get into a fight.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was yelling at the other (perverted rapist FRENCH) guy to rip my shirt off.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't let you get too drunk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend brought the stripper waiter costume, lied to me about how much I did drink, and videotaped everything.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend cuddles with you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend made me tell him what a hero he was, put on a Superman costume, and nearly broke all of the bones in his body trying to "fly to the rescue of the lonely old eyebrow monster".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend dresses appropriately.<p>

My idiot boyfriend once wore his Superman costume to a meeting. When I threw it out, he merely took his underwear and put them on the outside of his pants, and went to the next meeting like that.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes care of you when you're sick.<p>

My idiot boyfriend put one of his disgusting greasy meat patties on my forehead, hogged all the blankets so I was freezing cold, and tried to "kiss it better".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend didn't know that they existed. When he did find out, he mixed up their names, insulted their food, and dissed their culture.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend tries to make dates go as well as possible.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got into a fight with the boyfriend of his friend. Later, he borrowed money from the friend to pay for dinner.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your culture.<p>

My idiot boyfriend refers to my language as "English" and his language as "American" and doesn't like Doctor Who.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend made french fries and slipped the ring on to one of them.

… well, it was a nice ring, and I didn't want it to get covered in grease …


	5. BelarusRussia

Belarus/Russia for Map of the Stars ... sorry that it's short, but I couldn't think of anything else for them that sort of disrupted the "my boyfriend is an idiot". This was really hard to do, because they aren't in a relationship ... well, Russia doesn't think that they are.

So thanks for giving me a challenge! :)

Also, the red dress Belarus is wearing is French. France, you are so screwed.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is totally fine with holding your hand, even in public.<p>

My idiot boyfriend seems to shy away from physical affection, even when nobody else is there.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend listens to you talking about the future.<p>

My idiot boyfriend doesn't even want to see a drawing of the chapel that we will get married at.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to dinner and pays for it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend always cooks for us, and we always eat with my sister.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend lets you sleep with him when you're cold.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was shaking so hard that he fell onto the floor, where he stayed the whole night.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out on romantic dates.<p>

My idiot boyfriend never goes anywhere with me! The most "alone" we've ever been was when everybody except us had left the conference room when we were at a meeting.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend supports you in your fights.<p>

My idiot boyfriend doesn't want me to kill the irritating Asian guy that is with him all the time, the irritating guy that keeps following me around, or the lucky little girl that doesn't take advantage of her closeness to her brother.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you with your work.<p>

My idiot boyfriend doesn't want to sign some marriage documents, for some reason.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments your clothes.<p>

My idiot boyfriend didn't even notice that I was wearing a red dress, and red is his favorite color!

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gives you red roses on Valentine's Day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend doesn't even notice. The most I've ever gotten from him is a hug.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't mind you sneaking up behind him to kiss him.<p>

My idiot boyfriend runs away whenever I sneak up behind him.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend hasn't proposed yet.

…

But I guess that means it's up to me.

Come on, brother. We're going to get married … married … married … married …


	6. ChinaEngland

So here is England/China, for several people.

Also, the Belarus/Russia fandom is so ... small. I mean, five pages of fics? That's like nothing. So I wrote some fluff. And you should probably give me CC, because it's my first attempt at non-humor and I am pretty worried about it.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments your cooking.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that my delicious herbal tea was not as good as his disgusting slop, aru! And he still refuses to learn how to use chopsticks.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't wreck your house.<p>

My idiot boyfriend summoned the creepy guy who stalks me when he was trying to summon a demon. I would say that he succeeded, aru.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend cooks you dinner when you are sick.<p>

My idiot boyfriend complained about my lack of "proper English ingredients", set my wok on fire, and made the most awful food that I've ever tasted in my long life, aru.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you deal with any issues that you may have.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got me addicted to opium, aru.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend kidnapped my younger brother, and cursed him to have bushy eyebrows.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your need for alone time.<p>

My idiot boyfriend has decided that I should really meet his family. His family consists of two boys, his idiot friend, and some imaginary creatures, all of them less mature than him, aru. He is getting the couch banishment.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes the couch punishment like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend told me that if I didn't want to sleep with him, then I should take the couch. It's my house, aru.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend backs you up when you get into a fight.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was trembling in the corner when I faced off my creepy stalker, aru.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you deal with the creepers in your life.<p>

My idiot boyfriend ran away when my stalker started following me around in a panda suit. (A really cute panda suit, but still, aru.)

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your beliefs.<p>

My idiot boyfriend asked me where the churches were, and tried to drag me along with him for Easter.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend learns to deal with your obsession with cute fluffy things.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that my Hello Kitty wasn't as cute as his imaginary Flying Mint Bunny, aru. He then asked why there wasn't a mouth on it.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you give your younger siblings the Talk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend had videos that were mind-scarring, aru. There is no way that I can show them to my little brothers and sister!

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got into a huge fight with my younger brother, aru. Granted, I was backing him up …

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that one of his imaginary friends stole the ring.

… It's okay, though, we can both sign a document or something. I mean, it's only a ring, aru.


	7. FranceEngland

France/England. (Bleeeehhh ... nofence all France/England shippers, I just can't see it happening. But some of you guys wanted it, so I am happy to oblidge!)

Up next will probably be Prussia/Austria or Germany/Italy.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gets you roses on Valentine's Day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend covered himself with the roses. No prizes for guessing where he put them.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend backs you up when you get in a fight.<p>

My idiot boyfriend pushed me out of the way when we were running from the creepy killer guy that I had accidentally summoned.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend appreciates your culture.<p>

My idiot boyfriend is French, and seems to think that having sex every five minutes is better than watching Doctor Who.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments your cooking.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that it wasn't half as good as his shitty French garbage.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you give your younger siblings the Talk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that children learn by doing. And he started stripping.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you out when you try to learn a sport.<p>

My idiot boyfriend started stripping on the football field, and promptly got a ball kicked in his crotch.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend watches sappy movies with you and holds you when you cry.<p>

My idiot boyfriend threw his shoe at the television when the male lead broke up with his girlfriend, started cheering for the two enemies to get it on, and spoiled the ending for me. Oh, and he cried throughout the whole thing.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't let you get too drunk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend brought his two idiot friends along to watch me get drunk out of my mind.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments your hair.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that my eyebrows were blocking my face and that I should shave them off before they turned into mutants. He then proceeded to call me "eye-brow monster" for the rest of the day.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you with something that you don't understand.<p>

My idiot boyfriend refuses to speak English, and I refuse to learn the language of rapist frogs. His attempts at "sign language" involved groping.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gives you his umbrella when it's raining.<p>

My idiot boyfriend seems to think that rain equates to Nature's version of a free shower.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to dinner and pays for it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend made some of his disgusting French crud and tried to have sex with me on the table.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is polite to your friends.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that my friends were imaginary. He then proceeded to step on Flying Mint Bunny and swat Tinkerbelle.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments your outfit.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that I should take everything off.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend cooks for you when you're sick.<p>

My idiot boyfriend gave me wine instead of tea, said that sex made everything better, and let my idiot friend put a hamburger on my head.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend wants us to have a polygamous relationship with the rest of the world.


	8. DenmarkNorway

Denmark/Norway. (With a hint of Iceland/Liechtenstein, WTF)

Done for many requests, and partly because SomeSnowInShell gave me a really funny suggestion that I couldn't not use.

Up next will be Prussia/Austria, and then Germany/Italy.

As for all of the threesome references, there was this really funny clip on YouTube about Denmark ... and I can't find it, but it was really funny. If I do find it, I'll link you guys.

edit: Aha, found it!~ h t t p : / / w w w . y o u t u b e . c o m / w a t c h ? v = 7 N I o L S O g h g 8 (remove the spaces s'il vous plait)

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend sets up "alone time" for the two of you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend invited me to go drinking with the only two people in the world that are stupider than him.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your friends.<p>

My idiot boyfriend made fun of the fact that my friend's husband, who hates him, calls my friend his "wife" when my friend is male.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your morals.<p>

My idiot boyfriend gave me puppy-dog eyes and a quivering lip when I said that I wouldn't be in a threesome with him. Then he jumped me when I still said no.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't get too drunk when he does out with you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend started stripping. When I dragged him out, he tried to have sex with me in the street. Not in his car, in the _street_.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend will dress nicely when you get invited to a black-tie party.<p>

My idiot boyfriend drew the semblance of a suit onto a white t-shirt, put on a pair of black sweatpants, and didn't do anything about his hair.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend behaves appropriately in public.<p>

When we were at the aforementioned black-tie party, my idiot boyfriend chugged at least ten glasses of champagne, groped me in public, and tried to set up a threesome with a waitress.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend backs you up when you get into a fight.<p>

My idiot boyfriend picks fights with me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out on dates and pays for them.<p>

My idiot boyfriend stole some beer from his idiot friend, took me to the park, and tried to have sex on a picnic blanket. He got the couch banishment.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes the couch punishment like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend waited in my closet until I fell asleep, then he crawled back in next to me. And jumped me, let's not forget that.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes care of you when you're sick.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got my younger brother to make some soup and then took it up himself, lauding his "totally awesome soup-making skills of awesomeness".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend does something romantic for Valentine's day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thinks that stripping is romantic.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your religious beliefs.<p>

My idiot boyfriend tried to have sex with me in the pews, so I clobbered him with a prayer book.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments you on how you look.<p>

My idiot boyfriend told me that if I "was gonna wear girly barrettes, could I wear a skirt too?" THEY'RE HAIR CLIPS, YOU DUMBASS.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you give your little brother the Talk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend cracked sex jokes all the time, tried to strip me, and then, at the end, slapped my little brother on the back and asked him if he wanted to have a threesome.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you sta- FOLLOW your little brother on his first date.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was chanting "Grab her boobs!" the whole time, and got us shot at by my brother's date's brother, who was sta- FOLLOWING his sister.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend almost chopped my hand off because he thought passing the ring on top of his damn axe would be cool. Idiot.


	9. PrussiaAustria

Prussia/Austria. Up next will be Germany/Italy, and then probably Prussia/Hungary.

And I have a few things to explain here, don't I?

1. The game set in Prussia is Amnesia: The Dark Descent.

2. Yes, Switzerland and Austria are friends, despite the fact that they fight a lot.

3. Prussia likes threesomes. Hell, he's a member of the Bad Touch Trio AND The Awesome Trio. So yeah, he's a pervert.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend understands that you have hobbies that can be time consuming.<p>

My idiot boyfriend whined at me for spending "more time with that _unawesome _piano than you do with the _awesome _me", called me a piano-fucker, and tried to have sex with me on my piano.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments you on how you look.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that my clothes were "centuries old" and "looked like shit". He then told me that if I wasn't such a cheapskate, I "might look half as awesome" as him.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend does something nice for Valentine's day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got drunk and tried to have sex with me when I was playing the piano.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your privacy.<p>

My idiot boyfriend walked in on me when I was showering, tried to film us having sex, and molested me while I was playing my piano.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend knows that you have moral standards, and doesn't push you past your comfort zone when it comes to them.<p>

My idiot boyfriend asked my ex-wife if she wanted to have a threesome with us, tried to sell a pornographic video of us to her, and raided his brother's sex tools to use on me so he could make a porno.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend cuddles with you after you've had a long day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was playing a video game "it's _awesome _because it takes place in Prussia" and ignored me until some of the monsters scared him and he started clinging to me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out on dates and pays for them.<p>

My idiot boyfriend went drinking and dragged me along. I later discovered that the only reason he was bringing me was so I could pay for him and his idiot friends, who decided that it would be a great idea to molest me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your friends.<p>

My idiot boyfriend called me a pedophile when I was talking to the younger sister of one of my friends. We then got shot at by my friend when his sister asked him what my boyfriend meant.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't make fun of you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend pulls my curl, pokes my birthmark, and calls me "Specs" because I wear glasses. Oh, and he calls me "cheapskate", "piano-fucker", and several other plays of my name.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is sympathetic.<p>

My idiot boyfriend says "it's your fault for being so _unawesome_". He received the couch banishment for being a moron.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend understands that there is a time and a place for some things.<p>

My idiot boyfriend uses the phrase "invading vital regions" everywhere. The same goes for the phrase "my awesome five meters".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes the couch banishment like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend started whining, gave me puppy-dog eyes, and finally jumped me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you give your best friend's little sister the Talk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend cracked at least twenty sex jokes, used the phrase "invading vital regions", offered to demonstrate, and gave the poor girl a few porn books that he got from my ex-wife.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend arranges "alone time" for the two of you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend dragged me out on a triple date with his idiot friends (the groper and the ditzy one, not the axe-maniac and the big dumb guy) and their boyfriends (the quiet one and the tomato lover) on our anniversary.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend says yes when you propose.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was drinking when I walked in, and when I proposed, he spat beer all over my face. And then he jumped me.

…

But he still said yes, and he didn't even ask if my ex-wife would want to be in a threesome, so I guess I'm glad.


	10. GermanyFeliciano

Germany/Feliciano. Up next is Prussia/Hungary, and then Prussia/Canada ... probably.

Damn, this was fun to write. Also, that link is to an EPICALLY AWESOME song. h t t p : / / w w w . y o u t u b e . c o m / w a t c h ? v = t A T G f i y 5 h O Y

Explanations:

1. Yes, Feliciano tops sometimes. After all, Germany can be a bit of a prude and he's still a virgin (see the episode where he talks to Ancient Rome) so it would make sense that he would bottom. Sometimes. And by "sometimes" I mean "whenever Italy gets horny and Germany is too busy/oblivious/tsundere to realize it". Which would be quite a bit, really. xD

2. Switzerland is Germania's grandson as well, so Germany and Switzerland are cousins. (headcanon working here)

3. Yes, Holy Roman Empire is Germany. xD Imagine finding out that the cute girl you liked was a cute GUY ... that would be hilarious.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments your cooking.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that my wurst tastes awful. He then added, as if to console me, that it wasn't as bad as my brother's cooking.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your privacy.<p>

My idiot boyfriend has jumped on my bed while I was sleeping and tried to share a shower with me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out on dates and pays for them.<p>

My idiot boyfriend drags us over to his brother's boyfriend's house, where he steals some of their food.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your culture.<p>

My idiot boyfriend only celebrates Oktoberfest with me and my brother, and even then he says that the beer isn't as good as his wine.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend tells your family about the fact that you two are dating.<p>

My idiot boyfriend didn't tell his brother that I was coming over, so I got a pot-load of steaming tomato sauce in my face, courtesy of his brother. Then his brother's boyfriend – who had a very, very, very sharp axe with him – dragged me into the living room and said that if my boyfriend's heart was broken, he would carve mine out in replacement.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend understands that you have ethics.<p>

My idiot boyfriend jumped me in an empty conference room that was under surveillance.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you with your work.<p>

My idiot boyfriend climbed on the desk and fell asleep at one. Oh, and he stripped before he fell asleep.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend backs you up in a fight.<p>

My idiot boyfriend gave me a white flag and then took off.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you out when you are sick.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thought pasta cured all, so he brought his brother over to help cook it. I think the brother put something in my food, because I have never eaten green pasta before …

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't touch your stuff.<p>

My idiot boyfriend nearly blew his head up with one of my grenades. His brother, who apparently has the same IQ level as him, did the same damned thing.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend understands that there is a time and a place for everything.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thinks that mentioning that I like bondage at a conference is perfectly acceptable. He also happens to like having sex in closets … so he jumped me. At least we made it to the closet this time.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't bother you when you're busy.<p>

My idiot boyfriend ran up to me and glomped me when I was talking to my boss. And then he started asking me to kiss him. When I gave him a kiss on the cheek, he pouted and started making out with me to show me what he meant when he asked for a kiss.

… at least my boss wasn't mad at him. But he should learn how to read the atmosphere!

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't make fun of your little quirks.<p>

My idiot boyfriend laughed at me for locking the dogs out of the house every time that we had sex. Except for the times that he jumped me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your religious beliefs.<p>

My idiot boyfriend fell asleep in church, prayed for an endless supply of pasta, and hit on the nuns.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is polite to your family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got us shot at because he was running naked across my cousin's lawn.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend put the ring on a piece of spaghetti, probably with the intention of me finding it. He then proceeded to accidentally mix up the plates and find the ring in his food. Apparently he didn't recognize his own ring, because he jumped on me, started crying, and said yes. It took him half an hour of explaining to realize what he did.

…

But then he asked, and I said yes. Of course I would have, it's taken him about a few hundred years to realize that I loved him. (Well, I probably should take off the years that I thought he was a girl, but …)


	11. PrussiaHungary

Prussia/Hungary, up next will be Prussia/Canada, and I might - just might - be able to do some Romano/America.

Also, sorry for not uploading yesterday, but I was watching Let's Play Amnesia: The Dark Descent, and it is fucking hard to write humor when you're watching that. You turn out writing stuff like "Get away from the fucking closet, you moron! AAAAH! IT'S BEHIND YOU! FUCKINGRUNAAHGHsdj" - Quoted. Split-screening is evil, kiddies. Don't do it.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to dinner and pays for it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend borrowed money from his two friends to buy us a six-pack of disgusting beer.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend buys you pads when it's your time of the month.<p>

My idiot boyfriend complained that he was "too awesome to do that" and got his clock cleaned by a frying pan. Ah, well. Share the pain, I guess.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your personal space.<p>

My idiot boyfriend tries to grope me during conferences. "Tries" being the operative word here.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gives you cute nicknames.<p>

My idiot boyfriend has called me a "hermaphrodite", a "man-lady", a "horni-garian", and several other things that have caused him to get concussions.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't make fun of you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thinks that it's hilarious that I thought I was a boy during my childhood. He will then grope my chest and say "Yep, you got some pretty big muscles on ya!".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend introduces you to his family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got us shot at by his cousin for making sex jokes while his cousin's sister was in the room. His brother offered to loan me some of his guns.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you out.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was being too noisy when I was … watching … some of my friends get it on, and they found out. Now I need to find a new hiding place, and that one was really good!

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your ethics.<p>

My idiot boyfriend still won't have sex with my ex-husband and let me watch.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't lie to you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend still hasn't confessed to having threesomes with his friends, even though I've told him that I wouldn't mind if he got some pictures.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't get too drunk when you finally agree to go out drinking with him.<p>

My idiot boyfriend started kissing his idiot bird, some girl, a beer mug, and basically everything but the other guys and me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your friends.<p>

My idiot boyfriend mocks my ex-husband, calls my fellow yaoi fan a "total _unawesome _porno lover", and cracks sex jokes around his cousin's little sister, who occasionally comes over to my place.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend puts you as number one on his list of priorities.<p>

My idiot boyfriend once cut me off mid-rant to tell me that his idiot bird was sitting on my frying pan, so could I please not hit him as it might hurt birdie. He was banished to the couch.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes the couch banishment like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend whined about how "unawesome" the couch was and then he climbed up the stairs to grope me while I was sleeping.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to nice places.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thinks that some cheap bar in a grimy city is the height of romantic.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got his stupid little bird to follow me around ALL FUCKING DAY, holding the ring in its mouth.

…

Well, it was romantic. For him. And maybe, just maybe, we can get my ex in on this.


	12. PrussiaCanada

Prussia/Canada, up next will be France/Canada. I'm working on Romano/America.

Also, you guys should check out Hetalia: The Dark Descent by karatekid369. And Confessional Ambush by Stripes93. They're both really funny. (You should totes review, too.)

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to dinner and pays for it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend asks me to make pancakes, and eats through almost all of my ingredients.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't come in without knocking.<p>

My idiot boyfriend gets drunk at my house with my idiot brother and some axe maniac, or my perverted father and his ditzy friend with a tomato obsession.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend sets up romantic "alone time".<p>

My idiot boyfriend takes me out drinking with his friends, tried to have sex with me in a broom closet, and asked if I wanted to have a threesome with his "unawesome piano-fucker friend".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you shovel your lawn.<p>

My idiot boyfriend pushed me into a snowdrift. He then decided that it would be a great idea to have sex outside. In the middle of the winter.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't make fun of you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thinks that it's hilarious that my polar bear – Kumakiri? Kumakiko? – doesn't remember who I am. Oh, and he tried to get my polar bear and his bird to get it on.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your ethics.<p>

My idiot boyfriend pestered me about having an orgy with his idiot friends – my brother being one of them. He was kicked to the couch.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes the couch punishment like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend whined about how cold it was, pretended to be my polar bear, and finally just jumped me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend cuddles with you after a long day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was drunk out of his mind and passed out on the floor.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your friends.<p>

My idiot boyfriend started a fight with my friends over "Kaliningrad", got himself beat up, and then pointed at my friend and said it was his fault.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you to meet his family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend didn't even tell me that he had a brother. The only way I met him was when he stole some of his brother's kinky sex toys and his brother came over to our house.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't let you get too drunk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend bribed my brother into telling him that I have a weakness for vodka, bought something like ten bottles of vodka, and got his friend to videotape what happened. And then he posted the video on the internet.

… I didn't know that I was that … bendy …

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you out.<p>

My idiot boyfriend seems to think that "The guy that the awesome me fucks at regular intervals, lives with, and gets cooked for" is a good name that people will remember, and therefore he tells people that it is my name.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend backs you up in a fight.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was laughing his stupid butt off when I was fighting my brother.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes care of you when you're sick.<p>

My idiot boyfriend gave me beer instead of soup, hogged the blankets when we were sleeping, and said that sex was the ultimate cure for everything.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gives you a nickname.<p>

My idiot boyfriend calls me "birdie". He calls my polar bear "birdie". He calls his bird "birdie". He calls the can of beer in his hand "birdie".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend started talking about threesomes, men in dresses, and how my friend was not ever getting within ten miles of the wedding, and then gave me the ring and asked.

…

Wait, threesomes? Oh, shit.


	13. RomanoAmerica

America/Romano for karatekid369. Up next is France/Canada.

... this was surprisingly easy to write. I mean, I've only read one fic about these two, but they have these hugely conflicting personalities, so it was not that hard to think of some scenarios. And yes, America refers to every other language except his own as "foreign". He knows other languages (immigrant population) but he doesn't use them. Actually, he actively tries to forget them.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your culture.<p>

My idiot boyfriend calls his disgusting shit "pizza". THAT IS NOT PIZZA, YOU DAMN HAMBURGER BASTARD.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to a nice Italian restaurant for dinner.<p>

My idiot boyfriend took me to a McDonald's in Little Italy.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you out with paperwork.<p>

My idiot boyfriend spilled his drink on my papers, said that he "couldn't read foreign", and when he finally did remember the Italian that I taught him, told me that the papers were too complicated for him to understand.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend cooks dinner for you on your birthday.<p>

My idiot boyfriend made hamburgers and tried to have sex with me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend will cuddle with you after a long day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was watching a horror movie, which means that he jumped on me screaming like a terrified little girl when I opened the door.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend understands that you can have a firestorm temper.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that I was acting "totally unheroic".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend called my brother an idiot. Yeah, he is, but nobody but me is allowed to call him that.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you to meet his family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend's equally idiotic family (the pervert, the quiet one, and the fucking eyebrow-monster) showed up at his house one day, holding him by the scruff of the neck because he had gotten drunk out of his skull and was out for a week.

… and I wasn't worried at all for that week. Nope, I was totally fine and calm and not calling my brother every day to panic.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your privacy.<p>

My idiot boyfriend invited his idiot friends (the axe-maniac and the potato-fucker) over while I was taking a siesta. And when they were very drunk, they decided that it would be a fucking wonderful idea for my idiot boyfriend to jump me and for them to videotape it.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend backs you up in a fight.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that he couldn't carry my supply of white flags, so I was on my own. Dammit, there goes my whole battle plan.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is romantic.<p>

My idiot boyfriend told me he loved me once, and that was when he had hamburger in his mouth.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you understand things.<p>

My idiot boyfriend uses the phrase "I'm the hero!" for everything. Hamburger crumbs in the bed? "I'm the hero and heroes need to eat hero food!" Him not taking me out for two weeks? "I'm the hero, and heroes have hero duties!"

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend won't be public about affection if you don't want him to be.<p>

My idiot boyfriend runs up to me and tackles me. In public. In front of a church. Did I mention that he was kissing me as people were walking out? And because he is an idiot, he didn't even notice the looks we were getting.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend will carry heavy stuff for you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend made me haul the box of grenades that I was going to throw at my idiot brother's idiot boyfriend up a hill, because he said that he "was busy being the super-cool hero protector guy". My idiot brother heard him fucking around and making a shitload of noise and came out to greet us, making me drop a very fucking heavy box of grenades on my foot.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gives you a cute nickname.<p>

My idiot boyfriend calls me "Curly" because I have a curl. What's next? "Eyes"? "Nose"?

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your culinary prowess.<p>

My idiot boyfriend cut up my precious tomatoes and used them in his disgusting hamburgers. He also somehow managed to get me to cover myself with tomato slices.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend cut a tomato in half, put the ring inside, and gave it to me. It would have been a lot more romantic if I didn't see him do it.


	14. FranceCanada

France/Canada. Poor, poor, poor Canada. Up next will probably be Prussia/England, or maybe Russia/America.

And I'm sleepy. I don't know why I'm telling you guys this, but I'm sleepy and my cat is ignoring me because she's PMSing or something. So I can't take a nap with her. D:

*looks at reviews* OVER 100! *head explodes* Ohhhshit. I love you people, I truly do. &hearts (That's supposed to turn into a heart, let's see if it does)

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend cuddles with you after a long day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend told me that we should "spread l'amour to the rest of the world" and dragged me out. Luckily, we weren't shot at this time.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend dresses appropriately.<p>

My idiot boyfriend showed up to my brother's birthday party with a rose over his crotch. He then removed it after the third round of drinks, and tried to get my brother and his boyfriend to have sex with him and me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend cooks for you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got a bottle of wine and flavored condoms for our dinner.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you feel better when you're sick.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thought that I might be pregnant. He then told me that if it was a boy, we were naming him "L'amour" and if it was a girl, we would name her "L'amour". Did he forget how babies were made, or is he just really stupid?

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that my hair was decent, but not half as sexy as his. He added, as if to compensate, that it wasn't half as bad as my brother's boyfriend's hair.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend appreciates your culture.<p>

My boyfriend says that the capital of Canada should be Quebec, for the sole reason that it is French, "and therefore the capital of the sexy world".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out on dates and pays for them.<p>

My idiot boyfriend takes me out to places with the sole intention of jumping me there.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gets you something nice for your birthday.<p>

My idiot boyfriend put on a polar bear stripper outfit, because apparently he thinks that I keep my polar bear around for sex.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your friends.<p>

My boyfriend ran away screaming from the guy I play hockey with.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you to meet his family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend dragged his little sister up to my house in the middle of the winter. Did I mention that she lives where it's practically always summer?

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend isn't too public with affection if he knows that you don't like being public about it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend once started undressing me in public.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't get too drunk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend usually gets so drunk that he starts – and finishes – stripping before he passes out. When he wakes up with a huge hangover, the first thing he does is try to drink it away.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is polite to your family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got into a fight with my brother over the naming of french fries.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't ruin the mood.<p>

My idiot boyfriend seems to think that "We can fuck now, oui?" is a good come-on line. Even though it isn't, he still gets his sex, because he jumps me right after he says that.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your ethics.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thinks that he, his friends, and I should have an orgy.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend put the ring in a glass of wine. I almost choked on it.


	15. RussiaAmerica

Russia/America, the Prussia/England will be up next.

A note from the previous chapter, as I am too much of a lazy bitch to go back and edit: Seychelles is France's little sister, much in the same way that America was adopted as England's younger brother.

edit: Fucking hell, I hate doing this. But I had to, so ehhh ... h t t p : / / w w w . y o u t u b e . c o m / w a t c h ? v = A 8 w J J H t x k 2 w (remove the spaces). This is a freakin' great Russia video.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gets you something nice for your birthday.<p>

My idiot boyfriend locked my sister in the house with me. He then stole all of my vodka and drank it.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your friends.<p>

My idiot boyfriend is constantly borrowing money from my friend, and then he calls my friend (and me) "unheroic communist losers".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to dinner and pays for it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got us McDonald's drive-by food, and drove off before he had to pay. I guess that's what happens when I tell that cheapskate that he's paying …

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your culture.<p>

My idiot boyfriend cracks Russian Reversal jokes. All the time. This includes when we are in bed.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend understands that you are badass.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thinks that the pipe is just for show.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't mind holding hands in public.<p>

My idiot boyfriend told me that it would look bad if he was holding hands with a "commie".

… Hmm … where did I put that sex tape of us again? He's in for a surprise when he fires up his presentation …

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend brings you to meet his family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend told his twin brother that I was a hot French girl, his twin's brother that I was a hot Greek guy, and he didn't say anything about me existing to his brother. The only way that they found out we were dating was when they saw my coat hung up on their coatrack. For some reason, they all ran away …

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend backs you up in a fight.<p>

My idiot boyfriend started running away when I decided that some guys who were looking at him wrong needed a beating.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you get better when you're sick.<p>

My idiot boyfriend told me that if I wasn't a communist, then I would be fine. I'm not communist anymore, and I haven't been for a while.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend dresses appropriately.<p>

My idiot boyfriend showed up to a black tie party in his idiot superhero costume.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend sets up "alone time".<p>

My idiot boyfriend invited me to a drinking contest with his idiot axe-maniac friend and the idiot guy that I used to beat up for a while. Needless to say, I won.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't get too drunk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend jumped off of the bar, trying to fly. He landed on my sister.

… Wait. My sister? Oh, shit.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend called my younger sister a "crazy incest-driven knife maniac" and tried to grope my older sister's chest. He was banished to the couch.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes the couch punishment like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend whined about how cold it was, lied and said that my sister was down there with him, and finally just jumped into the bed with me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend will cuddle with you after a long day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend tried to get me to say "I suck, communism sucks, and you are the most awesome hero alive" in exchange for a hug. He got jumped for being an idiot.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend gave me a ring that my sister gave him. How do I know? Oh, because on the inside the words "Marry me brother" are engraved.

… I hope that she doesn't try to crash the honeymoon.


	16. PrussiaEngland

Prussia/England, up next will be America/Japan, and then it might be Scotland/England.

England's younger siblings are his (many) colonies, some of them live with him for [insert reason here]. Yeah. I really can't be arsed to think of a good explanation, so just assume that it's more convenient.

Also, I have officially fallen in love with Rome/Germania. ... wait. That sort of makes Germany/Italy incest. Oh, whatever. Incest's cool too.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't make fun of you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thinks that it is hilarious that I kicked his idiot friend's ass once, because "I am so totally unawesome".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to dinner and pays for it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend took me out to some disgusting French place with the intention of getting me to pay for dinner.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out on romantic dates.<p>

My idiot boyfriend took me to a disgusting amusement park on our anniversary. He jumped me in the Tunnel of Love.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't let you get too drunk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thinks that it's funny to watch me get too drunk to think or walk straight.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't get too drunk when he's out with you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend forgot his own name when he was out drinking with me and his idiot friends, and demanded that he be called "His Royal Awesomeness of Five Meters".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your friends.<p>

My idiot boyfriend said that all of my friends were "the product of an _unawesome _crazy mind".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend introduces you to his family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend saw his brother and his brother's boyfriend making out in an alleyway and dragged me over so we could "join in". That was the first time that I'd ever been introduced to his brother as his boyfriend.

The nice boyfriend respects your ethics.

My idiot boyfriend tried to get me to have kinky bondage sex with him so he could "show West how it's done right". He then added that he could sell the video to a friend, and if he did he would give me some of the cash he got.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't ask stupid questions.<p>

My idiot boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night, asking if I was on the Pill.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend trusts you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thought that I was having sex with his idiotic rapist friend, because we fight a lot "and that builds up sexual tension". He also thought that I was having sex with his other idiot friend, just because I kicked his arse a while ago, and "there's rape-y BDSM subtext there". I had to tell him at least one hundred times that I wasn't cheating on him.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you give your younger siblings the Talk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend brought a stash of his brother's porn. As if that wasn't bad enough, he thought that kids learn by doing. Yes, he did mean that in the most perverted way possible.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend dresses appropriately.<p>

My idiot boyfriend wore a dress to a conference, along with his idiot friends. In the middle of the meeting, he exclaimed "I can still top you in this, though!".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gives you a nickname.<p>

My idiot boyfriend calls me "eyebrow-monster", said that his idiot bird could probably build a nest in my eyebrows, and then asked me if they were my erogenous zones. He was banished to the couch for being a fucking prat.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes the couch punishment like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend whined about how cold it was, what an unawesome loser I was, and how it totally sucked that somebody as awesome as him had to do something as unawesome as this, and then he jumped me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend told me that I would be the one wearing the dress before he pulled out the ring.

… all I'm saying is that his rapist friend better not try to make it a three-way marriage …


	17. RomeGermania

Rome/Germania. I think I have a new OTP. But damn, there's only like two pages of stories. Oh well, I guess I'll just write something for them.

* And thus began the long tradition of Germans playing with Italian erogenous zones ... (the only reason Rome isn't telling Germania what it is is because if Germania knew, then he'd stop. xDDDD Rome, you PERVERT.)

** I've said this to quite a few people, and the looks on their faces are totally hilarious.

FYI, Britannia and the Celtic tribes are Germania's younger siblings.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments you on how you look.<p>

My boyfriend said that I "need to strip. Right. Now.". He then jumped me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't make fun of your appearance.<p>

My idiot boyfriend called me a "barbarian", "Legolas", and he's pretended to mistake me for a girl several times.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you give your younger siblings the Talk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend brought several girls and a box. He then said that he was "totally fine with doing whatever he was demonstrating" with them. He was banished to the couch for being a pervert.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes the couch punishment like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend whined how it was too small for sex. When I told him that the point of being on the couch was to not be able to have sex, he grabbed me and said "the floor's okay, then".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend cuddles with you after a long day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was busy watching a video of himself fighting me to notice me until I shot the television and threatened to castrate him with my spear if he didn't hug me right now.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend backs you up in fights.<p>

My idiot boyfriend is the one that I get into fights with. I always win, but he will start teasing me the next day about how he let me win. I have to jump him to get him to shut up.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is sympathetic.<p>

My idiot boyfriend says "Well, that's too bad. But I know what will make it better!". He doesn't even let me say "What?" and glower at him for a while before he jumps me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend isn't publicly affectionate if you aren't comfortable with it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thought that it would be a great idea to make a porno of ourselves and give it to his grandson.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't keep secrets from you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend refuses to tell me what his idiotic curls do, because whenever I yank on them, he shuts up really fast. Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to keep playing with them untill he tells me what they are. *

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gives you a nickname.<p>

My idiot boyfriend calls me "Elfy".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't publicly humiliate you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thinks that opera singing is the best way to defuse a fight. Guess who has to be the backup singer.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your ethics.<p>

My idiot boyfriend tried to make me part of an orgy, tried to have sex with me in a closet while we were st-FOLLOWING our grandchildren around, and he gropes me in public.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend knows when to keep his big damn mouth shut.<p>

My idiot boyfriend can turn a conversation from almost anything into him bragging about how good he is in bed.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't tease you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend still makes fun of me for naming one of my grandkids after him. Thank goodness he changed his name …

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out on dates and pays for it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend flirted with some girls and lifted their wallets to pay for our dinner.

… N-not that I was watching him do that or anything …

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend isn't a hypocrite.<p>

My idiot boyfriend calls me "girly" because of my long hair. Excuse me Mr. Skirt-Wearer-Opera-Singer, I believe that the only reason you are a guy is because your DNA is screwed up. **

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend asks you about your day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend tells me about his. This wouldn't be so bad if he said something other than "Today I beat up so-and-so, flirted with some pretty girls, and we're going to have sex now" before he jumped me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend tied the ring onto one of my braids.

… at least he's shut up about the group marriage idea that he had …


	18. AmericaJapan

America/Japan, up next will either be Scotland/England or Lithuania/Belarus.

Also, I've done a Rome/Germania fic, called "So Bad at This". Check it out if you want. (Rated T for Germania's mouth, Rome, them following their grandkids around, and implied sex)

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend spends time with you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend only comes over to my house to play video games.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend compliments you on how you dress.<p>

My idiot boyfriend laughed and said that what I was wearing looked like a dress.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to dinner and pays for it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend took me out to McDonalds, where the small-sized burger was larger than my head.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't make fun of you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend laughs at the fact that I don't use chairs, thinks it's hilarious that I write poetry, and called me gay for liking yaoi. I then pointed out that he's gay too, and he was shocked. I fear for his intelligence.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend appreciates your culture.<p>

My idiot boyfriend complained about how I sleep on mats "because it's easier to screw on the bed", asked me to demonstrate my "mad ninja skills", and said that the only thing Japan was good for is making cars.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend watches what you like.<p>

My idiot boyfriend always has us watch a horror movie, he always freaks out over it, and then he always wakes me up in the middle of the night screaming.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend sets up "alone time".<p>

My idiot boyfriend took me out to some greasy bar so he could get drunk with his friends. Later, he passed out on me on the way back and I had to carry him home. When we got home, he jumped me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend introduces you to his family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend took me to his older brother's house instead of his own, and decided that it would be totally fine to have sex there even though he had no idea where his older brother was.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't tease you for liking things that he doesn't.<p>

My idiot boyfriend laughs at the fact that I like to watch two guys make out, the fact that his friend's girlfriend and I have a "Yaoi Alliance", and the fact that I tried to get him to make a pornographic video.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gets you something nice for your birthday.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got me the toy from a Happy Meal. I banished him to the couch.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes the couch punishment like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend whined about how Godzilla was sleeping under my couch. He then crawled over to my room and jumped me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to nice places.<p>

My idiot boyfriend took me to an amusement park. While it was fun to feed him cotton candy, he then insisted on going on every single damn ride there.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend isn't a hypocrite.<p>

My idiot boyfriend laughs at my diet of salted fish, while he himself lives off of hamburgers and french fries.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend slipped the ring into a DVD case and told me to open it.

… the movie was a slasher flick. He really doesn't know how to read the atmosphere.


	19. GreeceJapan

WHAT. WHAT IS THIS.

Did I actually *le gasp* UPDATE? After a month?

Gahhhh, I'm so sorry, guys. School and family and life and ;awogihalkdfj. Yeah. Sorry. D: I swear that won't happen again.

(On a side note, this story has like maybe five more chapters before I switch off and put more effort into the Rome/Germania. So yeah.)

Yeah, so Greece/Japan, up next might or might not be Greece/Turkey.

A few quick notes:

Yeah, Greece and France are friends. It's sort of hinted at, what with France hanging out with Greece (which is how he learns about the Olympics).

Japan does curse, but only if he is in extreme situations. France probably has a tattoo that says "extreme situation" somewhere.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend cooks you breakfast on your birthday.<p>

My idiot boyfriend slept in until noon, and then his idiot cats had eaten everything.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend isn't too affectionate in public if he knows that you aren't comfortable with it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend jumped me. Outside. In broad daylight. I still think it was a really bad dream, but he got banished to the couch anyway.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes the couch punishment like a man.<p>

My idiot boyfriend sent an army of cats up with apology notes. And then, when I was going down to tell him that he could come up, I tripped over him because he had fallen asleep on the floor – presumably because he was going to sneak up.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to a nice place and pays for it.<p>

My idiot boyfriend asked his equally perverted friend to do make dinner for me. Said equally perverted friend took "make dinner" and construed it as "have sex with", and then almost raped me. (At least my idiot boyfriend is good at responding to screams of "GET THIS FUCKING PERVERT AWAY FROM ME!".)

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your personal space.<p>

My idiot boyfriend seems to think that he invented sex (well, he did) – gay sex especially (well, he did) – and therefore he can molest/jump me whenever he wants to (well, he ca—wait. No, he can't.).

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is nice to your friends.<p>

My idiot boyfriend tried to beat up a friend of mine. After I yanked him away and asked him why, he simply told me that since my friend exists, he is trying to rape me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your ethics.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was totally fine with being in a threesome so my friend could watch … until he found out until who we were supposed to be in the threesome with. (My other friend that he sort of wants to kill.) He then proceeded to offer, as a replacement for the threesome that we wouldn't be in, some sex tapes of us. For the record, I did _not _see the camera. Ever.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't let you get too drunk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend had fallen asleep when I asked him to please make sure that I didn't do anything stupid.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is courteous to your family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend tried to kill my older brother because people in his country eat cats. He only stopped because I told him that my older brother loved cats, had cat-themed _everything_, and would rather kill me than a cat.

… Which probably means that my older brother is going to kill me for mentioning the Hello Kitty underwear.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects the boundaries.<p>

My idiot boyfriend doesn't seem to understand that "No sex in public" means "No closets, bathrooms, deserted hallways, empty rooms, abandoned staircases, or rooftops".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes care of you when you're sick.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was asleep for almost the whole day that I was sick. When he did get up, he came to the conclusion that my friend got me sick, that my friend should be killed for getting me sick, and that he should go kill my friend – who by the way, did not get me sick – instead of look after me.

… he did plop a kitten on my chest and make some soup, though, so he isn't completely useless.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your culture.<p>

My idiot boyfriend did a flying leap into a bath, complained how the mats I sleep on "were too uncomfortable for sex", and told me that I should have my head examined because I ate raw fish.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend will cuddle with you at night.<p>

My idiot boyfriend fell asleep on top of me. His cats were sleeping on top of him. Trust me, one guy and ten cats feel a lot heavier when they are pressed against you.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend will get you something nice for your birthday.<p>

My idiot boyfriend got me the most perverted present ever. Four words: Sexy. Cat. Maid. Outfit.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend says yes when you propose.<p>

My idiot boyfriend was asleep, so I had to wake him up first. Then he had to feed his cats, and then I was stammering too much, so he just hugged me and said yes – and then he started worrying about who would feed the cats when we were on our honeymoon.

… at least he said yes.


	20. RussiaLithuania

Russia/Lithuania for a request.

... I sort of think I failed on this one, guys. Russia/Lithuania screws up Russia/China and Poland/Lithuania, two ships I like, so I sort of had to work around that, because I think that R/L is sort of abusive. Nofence all R/L shippers, and I hope you like this, but when I read R/L, I like angst. Looots of angst. :]

So tell me how I did, s'il vous plait?

Also, very important:

**I have finals and therefore will not be updating for a week/three days [Sunday night upload, probably].**

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend hugs you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend plays Russian Roulette with me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend takes you out to nice places.<p>

My idiot boyfriend has me cook for him every single night.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend introduces you to your family.<p>

My idiot boyfriend only pointed his sister out to me when I was running for my life because she was trying to stab me.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend helps you give your little cousin the Talk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend brought his pipe. And a gun. And a lot of other stuff that I didn't even recognize. I recognized the maid outfit, though.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend writes you love letters.<p>

My idiot boyfriend sent me a chain mail message that my friend started.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend sleeps with you.<p>

My idiot boyfriend makes me sleep in a small room with my cousins.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gives you a sweet nickname.<p>

My idiot boyfriend calls me his "ho".

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend gets you chocolate or a card for Valentine's Day.<p>

My idiot boyfriend stuck some sunflowers into his pipe and went to beat up my friend as my Valentine's Day gift.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is polite to your friends.<p>

My idiot boyfriend hates two of my friends – the big dumb one and the not-as-big dumb one – and bosses around my cousins.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend dresses nicely.<p>

My idiot boyfriend only has two choices of outfits – really, really plain or horribly flashy. If I say anything about this, he freaks out and starts chanting.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend is on time for dates.<p>

My idiot boyfriend vanished because he was called up by a really incompetent wizard who was trying to summon a demon.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend respects your boundaries.<p>

My idiot boyfriend is perfectly fine with making out in front of people ("They already know, da? After all, you have such lovely marks on your neck") and was trying to get to second base. In public. In broad daylight. In front of my younger cousin.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend plays with your younger cousin when you have paperwork.<p>

My idiot boyfriend thinks that Russian Roulette is an acceptable game.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend lets you borrow his coat when it's cold out.<p>

My idiot boyfriend decided that we could both wear the coat

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend doesn't let you get too drunk.<p>

My idiot boyfriend paid my friend to videotape what I did, and then poured me more than twice of what I could handle.

* * *

><p>The nice boyfriend proposes romantically.<p>

My idiot boyfriend asked me to "become one". He had his pipe out, so there was no way I was going to say no.

…

Not that I would have said no in the first place.


End file.
